The End
I'm in Oregon right now taking care of my grandfather and visiting my step-grandmother, Corky. I was really bummed to come out here since my best friend came home the same day I left. I felt shitty about leaving but also felt shitty about not wanting to leave. Being here has sparked a lot of thought in me, and it's a thought process I'm afraid to possess. Death.
A few weeks ago, I ran across this television show on the sci fi channel called Ghost Hunters. It's alot to think about, not only on the spooked level but also in the sense that thinking about death really isn't something most of us humans love to think about. Of course there are exceptions: the "Ghost Hunters" in the show, most hard-hitting religious people, and others who might have somehow made their peace with death. But let's be honest, we're afraid to think about death because we don't like trying to solve a problem we know is currently unsolvable. Being in this house, especially at night or alone (as I am now) causes me to think about death even more. It's a strange feeling, being here alone. There's something about being here with all the old furniture and still artwork that makes me feel a bit unsettled at times. My grandpa was in WWII, he was in the AVG (the Flying Tigers) and his den, where I am sleeping, is decorated fully with memorabilia and old photographs from his time in the war. Corky's collection of artwork is displayed all over the home, much of it is absolutely beautiful, but right now I feel the following eyes of a little girl and her dog who are resting on the wall. We brought Henry, my dog, with us up here this time. I read or heard somewhere that dogs and babies have the ability to located ghosts much better than grown people; Henry lay in his bed, staring at the same spot in the room for a long time. He had interest and complexity in his eyes. I am becoming more relaxed in this old home but there are still moments where I feel, for lack of a better word, quite spooked.
Ghosts and 'spirits' have always been things that have pondered me greatly. I can't remember the first time I started thinking about them but my fascination with life with humans after death began to really grow in middle school, as most girls' do. In seventh grade, I got an Ouija board for my birthday and I found a large attachment to the thoughts this game provoked. Seances then followed, the visiting of accordingly haunted places, wanting to have a sighting, scary movies... inside this girl who so badly wanted to have a connection with another world was a girl who was truly scared of knowing the answers to the questions she was asking. Now, five years later, I try to avoid thinking about the entire subject. There is no doubt it is extremely provocative but I am trying, for my sake, and clearly I have not been all that successful.
However this element of death has not been the only concept to rest in my ever-questioning mind. The whole idea of death is so tricky to me. Cut off: that's it. Life goes on without you, isn't it crazy? The end. Game over, did you win or did you lose? How many points did you have when you peeled your hands off of the controller? And I am sitting in this chair thinking, I'm going to die. I should be so lucky to reach 91, like my grandpa will on Friday. So what am I doing home alone? I should go spend time with him before it's too late. But my brother is in Canada and could die on his way home. I can't call him to tell him that I love him because calls up there are so expensive. Wait. Why are we worrying about money when there are much more important things to worry about?
I need to think some more about this.
The End, for now.
(Now, wouldn't it be wonderful if we could say that about life?)
A few weeks ago, I ran across this television show on the sci fi channel called Ghost Hunters. It's alot to think about, not only on the spooked level but also in the sense that thinking about death really isn't something most of us humans love to think about. Of course there are exceptions: the "Ghost Hunters" in the show, most hard-hitting religious people, and others who might have somehow made their peace with death. But let's be honest, we're afraid to think about death because we don't like trying to solve a problem we know is currently unsolvable. Being in this house, especially at night or alone (as I am now) causes me to think about death even more. It's a strange feeling, being here alone. There's something about being here with all the old furniture and still artwork that makes me feel a bit unsettled at times. My grandpa was in WWII, he was in the AVG (the Flying Tigers) and his den, where I am sleeping, is decorated fully with memorabilia and old photographs from his time in the war. Corky's collection of artwork is displayed all over the home, much of it is absolutely beautiful, but right now I feel the following eyes of a little girl and her dog who are resting on the wall. We brought Henry, my dog, with us up here this time. I read or heard somewhere that dogs and babies have the ability to located ghosts much better than grown people; Henry lay in his bed, staring at the same spot in the room for a long time. He had interest and complexity in his eyes. I am becoming more relaxed in this old home but there are still moments where I feel, for lack of a better word, quite spooked.
Ghosts and 'spirits' have always been things that have pondered me greatly. I can't remember the first time I started thinking about them but my fascination with life with humans after death began to really grow in middle school, as most girls' do. In seventh grade, I got an Ouija board for my birthday and I found a large attachment to the thoughts this game provoked. Seances then followed, the visiting of accordingly haunted places, wanting to have a sighting, scary movies... inside this girl who so badly wanted to have a connection with another world was a girl who was truly scared of knowing the answers to the questions she was asking. Now, five years later, I try to avoid thinking about the entire subject. There is no doubt it is extremely provocative but I am trying, for my sake, and clearly I have not been all that successful.
However this element of death has not been the only concept to rest in my ever-questioning mind. The whole idea of death is so tricky to me. Cut off: that's it. Life goes on without you, isn't it crazy? The end. Game over, did you win or did you lose? How many points did you have when you peeled your hands off of the controller? And I am sitting in this chair thinking, I'm going to die. I should be so lucky to reach 91, like my grandpa will on Friday. So what am I doing home alone? I should go spend time with him before it's too late. But my brother is in Canada and could die on his way home. I can't call him to tell him that I love him because calls up there are so expensive. Wait. Why are we worrying about money when there are much more important things to worry about?
I need to think some more about this.
The End, for now.
(Now, wouldn't it be wonderful if we could say that about life?)
posted by Kelsi Jensen | 9:38 PM
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